My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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