haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
This is my gift to your gina
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
