saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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