i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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