She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Did I show you my penis last night?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
