my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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