i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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