He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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