My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
