I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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