all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize