Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
