I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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