just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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