I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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