In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
