They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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