when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
