Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
