I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
