I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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