I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
