shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
