My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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