New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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