Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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