I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
