I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
