Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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