I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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