You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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