i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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