I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
