I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I touched a dick in church today
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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