I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I would ride that face into the sunset
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
