watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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