Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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