Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
