May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
