We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
