Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
