You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
