i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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