I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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