New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
