Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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