Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
