i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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