party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
