Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
