I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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