I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
