Little spoons don't ask big questions
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
