Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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