i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
