Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
